We hear a lot about self regulation and the importance of teaching kids how to self regulate but we don’t talk as much about emotional regulation.
Emotional regulation is one aspect of self regulation. It is our ability to control how strongly we feel an emotion, how long that feeling lasts and how we show that emotion to others.
Our emotional regulation is shaped by our early interactions with other.
I believe teaching self-regulation strategies to children should start as early as possible. I am going to talk about self regulation in a future blog as well in my upcoming YouTube series. However, in this blog I want to simply talk about understanding emotional regulation in children.
As you know the brain is the body’s control centre. What I want to briefly talk about is how our brains develop. We are not born with a fully developed brain. They develop over time and do not finish developing until we are well into our 20s. They develop in a specific order.
The bottom part of the brain is the first to develop; it develops within the womb and it controls our basic human functions such as breathing, blinking, and other automatic functions that we do basically without thinking.
The midbrain is the next part to develop and that is where our Amygdala sits. The Amygdala is a very important piece of our brain because it's our emergency response system. We usually talk about it as our fight, flight or freeze system. I believe I would not be here today without the amazing work of my Amygdala. Thanks again buddy 😊
Another important thing to note about the midbrain is that our big emotions live here. When we have a big reaction to something we are working in our midbrain.
The last part of the brain to develop is the forebrain and that is where our beautiful prefrontal cortex lies. (It is the big part behind the forehead). The prefrontal cortex is the part of our brain that can make decisions. It is where we store the ability to time manage and organize things. It is where our attention span and our good judgment lies.
Understanding the brain really helps with understanding our children. When you think about it, a 5-year-old does not have a fully developed prefrontal cortex. That is why we are constantly telling them, “please stop running in the streets”, “please don't eat things off the ground”, “you will get hurt if you jump off there!”
The decision-making part of the brain is not yet developed and, to be honest, the prefrontal cortex does not finish developing until around 24 to 26; some even say 28 years of age.
Another important thing to remember about that upstairs brain or the prefrontal cortex is that it controls our empathy (our ability to put ourselves in other people's shoes).
I am going to briefly introduce you to Dr. Daniel Siegal, the author of The Whole-Brain Child, and his Hand Model. He describes the human brain in terms of a hand.
Dr. Siegal talks about the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. The downstairs brain (Amygdala) is where those big emotions are housed. When we have those big feelings, we tend to react impulsively because without a mature prefrontal cortex we have a hard time working through those big emotions.
When you understand how the brain develops, it is a lot easier to understand that young kids really are not capable and cannot be expected to think logically before they act. When they are primarily using their downstairs brain on a daily basis, they don't have a lot of control over their strong emotions. Understanding how the brain develops improves our ability to work with children more effectively.
Here is what we can do to help children with emotional regulation. As parents, caregivers, and teachers we cannot expect our young children to know how to regulate on their own, we need to help them learn to regulate.
Modelling appropriate reactions and helping children co-regulate.
Why is it important to model appropriate reactions? A little something called Mirror Neurons. Now, I need to admit that I am no expert in the world of neuroscience or mirror neurons, so I am going to give you a simple explanation and then link a great article about what they are and how amazing our human brain is.
Have you ever heard of the term monkey see monkey do? This is how mirror neurons work, it was discovered in the early 1990s that we as humans and animals mirror other humans and animals. It explains the reason why we yawn. Here is another example, when you are walking through the park and you see someone get hit with a Frisbee our body naturally recoils and can empathize with how that might feel. Mirror neurons explain why one of best ways to encourage emotional regulation in our children is by modeling the appropriate reaction yourself.
So how is this done?
The most important thing when dealing with a dysregulated child is to use our own prefrontal cortex to help regulate the child. If we are modeling our own regulation techniques the child will see that and over time begin to model the same techniques as well. This is sometimes easier said than done so I am going to talk about modeling emotional regulation in two parts.
1. Learning to regulate our own emotions
Modeling emotional regulation is easy if you're naturally regulated however, we know that it's not that simple. In order to be able to model this, we need to make sure that we regulate our own emotions. The good news is that our brains are developed enough that we are able to do this but sometimes we need some strategies to help us out as well.
Here are some tips:
Number one, we need to know what our triggers are. What are the behaviours that cause us to become dysregulated, anxious or struggling to cope with stress? Once we know the triggers we are more equipped to deal with them.
Get a good understanding of what we need in order to stay regulated. This may be a need for yoga practice, quiet time, deep breathing, a walk by yourself. Get an understanding of what you need in order to stay regulated when you are dealing with an emotionally dysregulated child.
2. As we discussed, young children do not have the ability and often need a co-regulator (an external brain) to comfort, validate and reflect with them to help them regulate. How can we help children as co-regulators?
The first step is to get down to their level and comfort them. This can be in a safe touch or with safe words. Make sure to get down to eye level. Use words like, “I’m here for you”, “I am sorry you are sad”, “I am here to help”.
The next step is to validate their feelings; let them know you understand their feelings.
One very common term in the counselling world is “name it to tame it”. This simply means if you can name the feeling then you can work on the feelings. For example: I'm feeling angry now, what is my next step to help me feel better?
Some things you could say to children to validate their feelings are, “I understand how you feel”, “Wow, that must have been very disappointing”, “that must have really hurt your feelings”
And the last step is to reflect/resolve together on the big feeling. Work to normalize the emotion. For example: “you were very angry when your toy was taken, it is ok to feel angry”
When kids understand that their emotions are normal the reaction will become smaller and smaller.
Understanding emotional regulation in our children is the first step to helping them to self regulate. Remaining emotionally regulated and mirroring the behaviours you want to see will increase the child’s ability to emotionally regulate. Take care of yourself. Be helpful, be mindful, be kind.